work in progress
*Sunday, July 13, 2008*
its taking a toil on me. the late nights, disturbed sleep with all sorts of nightmares, frequent extreme binging on junk and oily food late at night and the numerous harsh tests on the works of my mind.
right now, my whole digestive system is going haywire, skin's horrible, eyebags are larger than my eyes, eyesight's going bad, recurring headaches(smth that rarely hits me), giddy spells. im not as strong as i look.
neither am i as happening as some people think i am. but i guess someone up there is giving me some sort of anesthetic by giving me all these things to do. i do feel that its been a rather fruitful holiday so far, meeting up with people i havent met with in a long while, going to places i wanted to go, doing things i wanted to do. its not that i dont enjoy what i do, but at the end of everything, i just feel rather drained. somehow it just feels like im running away from something. like im gonna lose myself soon if i keep going on like this. im not entirely in touch with how i feel, and it scares me. does anyone get this kinda feeling? its hard for me to explain even to myself. just a weird un-nameable feeling.
yet, when im free i dont feel very good either. it has sorta become an addiction(which im very proned to having) and without it im insecure. im just trying to maintain my brain in this semi-functioning mode. (im not making any sense to myself. my sentences are not thought-linked, very random.)
honestly, im scared shitless of my contradictions and im trying to hold on to something i believe is right. i hope i'll be hauled up to safety.
... 12:19 am ...